Transformation and Resistance

I am now on my 5 week break from my job. I am three years from retirement. My husband John is two weeks retired.

How do I transform my current living pattern into the vision of myself I see with my third eye?

The person I see, whom I wish to become, to transform into, has the following qualities:
* Physically peak heath
*Focus from the spiritual center outward
* Mentally alert and wise
*Creatively powerful and productive in my writing, music, and art forms
* Living in an uncluttered clean home
* Running Soul Star Arts and Sunhaven Institute fearlessly and effectively
* Fabulous and proactively engaged relationship with my family members and friends
* Fiscally stable with adequate means to achieve these goals

The person I perceive typing this into the blog right now has the following qualities:
*Overweight, out of shape
* Paying minimal attention to spiritual matters but feeling quite proud at the little I do
* Mind over-multi-tasked and weary
* Dreaming in frustration about my creative work but actually producing about 1% of what I dream
* Home borderline hoarder-ish and unclean in a way that is embarrassing and so far gone as to seem hopeless to fix
* A few small bazaars for my jewelry each winter, no musical gigs at all this year (due to repeated illness that trashed my voice), writing in snippets and pieces with no goal or order, and no time prepping to send out manuscripts so thus no new publications
* Phone calls and emails with some family and friends, and at least, blessedly, a videocam arrangement with my son so I can see him and my daughter-in-law and three of my grandkids.
* Money situation paycheck to paycheck with minimal savings and retirement now looming or here. I don't even know when John's retirement checks begin arriving or how much they are exactly. And yet we continue to spend as normal.

Could I be any more off my vision? Well, I suppose there are hundreds of ways I could be farther off. But let us not go there.

So how to transform from the perceived self right now to the envisioned self?

Just asking this question produces this feeling of resistance inside me.
You mean I have to do something different?
You mean I have to move out of my comfort zone?
You men I have to confront those fears I have avoided for so long?
You mean I have to put myself out there to people with my work?
You mean I actually have to leave my comfy good job of over two decades?
You mean I actually have to DO all those correct healthy things, like control my eating and exercise the correct amount?
You mean I have to purge stuff from my home, not just the junky stuff, but good stuff that there is either no real use for or too much of? Including tons of memory stuff, stuff belonging to or reminiscent of all the dear beloved dead?

The answer is YES, THAT IS WHAT I NEED TO DO.

To which I answer,
AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!
Run and hide! Stop talking about this!
Keep the status quo!
Don't shake it all up!
Who knows what will go wrong, how much worse things can be than they are now?
What you have now is stable and working.
Something different is threatening in a dozen horrifying ways.
Do you want to be a homeless bag lady?
Or living in one room in Golden Towers eating dog food?
Do you really want to confront all you fears?
Think of the pain and discomfort and the unknown outcome!
And - what if you do all the right things and STILL FAIL?

The wall of resistance is high and wide, and talks in the voice of fear.
Stay as you are, it says. Better the devil you know.
Why risk fear, loss, humiliation, pain, and ridicule.

But within is the stronger(I hope) saner voice, softly persistent, reminding me that this is why I am incarnate on the planet right now. That there is work I came here to do and need to do. That I have 22 to 24 more years of life in which to get it all done.
That I can contribute to the common body of knowledge and wisdom and healing for humanity and the planet. That I, like everyone else, have my unique piece to contribute, and that it therefore behooves me to give it my all.

I have paid a lot of lip service over the years to what I can do with my gifts and talents.
Now is the time for action, to overcome all the resistance and move forward, with focus and power, to bear fruit.

What tools do I have to overcome resistance and move forward?
That is a topic for the next blog entry.